Title:Britney By: Spears, Britney Released by: BMG/JIVE/SILVERTONE Released on: November 6, 2001 Rating (out of 10): 2 Date: 11/20/2001
Teen Angst, Lousy Singing, and Tacky Clothes
Britney Spears has been doing her spiel for three albums now, and the most important question I can think of is this: When will this talentless twit shut up? She's dating Justin Timberlake from N Sync, isn't she? Why doesn't she get out while the gettin's good, marry the boy, have babies, and watch her old Mickey Mouse Club reruns on the Disney Channel?
For all her bitching about being a woman now, she still sounds like an off-key teenybopper. For all her obvious desire to be a slut, she's still wearing those Mouse ears. Note to Britney: Annette Funicello never got to be a honest-to-sin Bad Girl and 40 years later, nor do you.
Spears' latest album, Britney, was supposed to be her switch from innocent, virginity-laden pop to a more adult, sensual sound. There are steps being taken in that direction, yes, but baby steps so carefully calculated, she might as well have rereleased Oops, I Did It Again. This one is just as pop-sounding as her earlier stuff; only some of the lyrics (mostly hidden in the heavy mixes) indicate that this girl might be growing up.
On "Overprotected," Spears complains about her life as she has chosen it, whining that nobody lets her have her own way and telling us that if she got to make her career decisions, she'd be a real artist and maybe a Riot Grrrl. That might all be true, but this girl is legally an adult; why is she still deliberately playing her assigned part? Musically, "Overprotected" is a carbon copy of half her first album, sounding like Debbie Gibson on downers and gone horribly wrong. It clunks along, never finding the guts to rev up to something approaching rock 'n' roll.
The current hit, "I'm a Slave 4 U," plays on Spears' sucky-fucky-fi'-bucky image—only she's talking about music. This girl considers herself a slave to music! Note to Britney: No, dear, you're a slave to your handlers and to your wardrobe.
On a musical scale of one to 10, this is about a four; There's potential here, more than on any other song on the album, but it's buried in layer upon layer of the usual thick-as-lead synthesized instrumentation. Not one live musician plays on this track, I'm convinced of it, and Spears' lousy voice is mixed high enough to be recognizable. (That's a problem with someone who sings this badly.)
The Arrows probably never meant for their 1975 hit, "I Love Rock 'N' Roll," to go through the transformations it has in the last quarter-century. Britney Spears tackles it, though her cover is a note-for-note lift from Joan Jett's (far superior) version. This is simply embarrassing. At least, I hope Spears is embarrassed by it. Is it really necessary to point out just how NOT rock 'n' roll you are?! Not only is the track terrible by virtue of Spears' out-of-tune singing/screaming, it's a direct musical lift from the last hit version, forcing comparisons between the two. Somewhere Joan Jett is turning in her grave, and she's not even dead yet! God knows what The Arrows think; I suspect they're crying too.
Somewhere deaf children are already learning to sign "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman." This reminds me of nothing so much as Debby Boone's nauseating "You Light Up My Life," except Boone sings better. Britney's usual overwhelming instrumentation is gone here, replaced by violins and tinkling pianos. What becomes clear, besides the dreariness and low energy of the music, is that Britney Spears can't sing to save her tits; all the noise she usually surrounds herself with has a purpose—it drowns out most of her fingernails-on-chalkboard vocals.
"Bombastic Love" is probably the best song on Britney. It bounces along without too much fuss, and Spears sounds better here than anywhere else. It's soulless, but nobody buys Britney Spears albums for her insight and caring. "Bombastic Love" is fun and will slip in your ears—and out of your mind as soon as the song ends.
Musically, "What It's Like to Be Me" is a track that makes me think maybe there is something real going on in there, but it goes on so long, I stopped caring one way or the other. She teams up with the dreamy Justin Timberlake for what sounds like relatively serious funk for a couple minutes, but the song disintegrates into noise and goes on and on and on and on.
Is Britney Spears a role model for little girls? Unfortunately, she is. I've seen girls no older than my 3-year old daughter dressed like mini-Britney-tramps. Is she a singer? Unfortunately, she's not; Britney is proof this girl is pure flash-and-trash, with not the slightest hint of musical talent.
