Title:The Twelve Caesars By: Tranquillus, Gaius Seutonius Released by: Penguin Books Released on: 117-138 a.d. Rating (out of 10): 8 Date: 02/04/2002
Where Does Caesar Hide The Hot Dog?
Do you believe there is too much gossip and scandal in our modern day politics? As bad as things looked for Bill Clinton a couple of years ago, he is a saint compared to what you will read in The Twelve Caesars.
The Twelve Caesars is a collection of biographies on the first eleven Roman Emperors and the dictator Julius Caesar. From the information that has been gathered, it seems Gaius Seutonius Tranquillus (better known as plain Seutonius) wanted to be a historian, but his contemporary, Tacitus, was too highly respected. Seutonius didn't dare try to write a rival history book, so instead he opted for a biography on the first twelve Caesars. What he came up with is pure gossip-column scandal.
Seutonius tells what good these Caesars did, saving the juicy stuff for last. The thing is, this juicy stuff is all based on rumors at the time. As we all know, not all rumors are true, but they are usually there for some reason. So what is true, and what isn't? We don't know for sure. That is why I am going to recommend Michael Grant's book The Twelve Caesars along with this. That book, more fact-based, will help show you what is not to believed, what may have happened, and what is correct in Seutonius' The Twelve Caesars.
The edition I own is quite old. Newer editions have a forward by Michael Grant explaining a few things to take with a grain of salt. Robert Graves translates this well, but Michael Grant will let you in on a few errors in his own book.
Now on with what to expect: The Caesars themselves are listed in chronological order, but the events that marked their reigns are not. Seutonius picked a topic and discusses it as it pertains to each reign. What you get are overlapping "facts" about what each Caesar did; it's up to you to sort out in what order they occured.
The Twelve Caesars begins like the history book Seutonius originally intended. The first biography (Julius Caesar) starts off dry but takes a turn into entertainment torwards the end.
Included in The Twelve Caesars are the following men:
Julius Caesar
We still honor him by calling our seventh month "July." This man was referred to as "A man for every woman, and a woman for every man." Is this true? Maybe, but even if so, it's highly exaggerated here. Julius was one of the worlds greatest generals, a fact of which he was well aware; he knew his greatness would be talked about for ages to come. He claimed (and was given by a grateful Rome) a perpetual dictatorship.
Augustus Caesar
While Julius was declared a minor deity after his death, Augustus was declared a major god. The first Roman Emperor, and the man who put an end to the civil wars, he was known as "The prince of peace", and "son of a god". He didn't have the military skills of Julius, but was probably the greatest politician the world has ever known. This biography is the longest in the book, as it should be.
Tiberius Caesar
This man was hated and despised during his own lifetime. Seutonius describes Tiberius' sexually immoral practices,accusing him of being a sex maniac in the most immoral manners, including rape and pedophilia. These immoralities supposedly take place when Tiberius is well into his seventies. They did not have Viagra then, are these stories here really true? This is a trash job; Suentonius realizes that readers will be so disgusted by his subject's personal life they'll probably not look further before dismissing him as a scumbag pervert. Publically, he held treason trials that led to about thirty senators' executions, among other horrors, and is regarded here as pure terror—immoral in every sense of the thought.
Is this a true picture? Judge for yourself from these facts: Augustus was the master of the "Bread and Circuses" concept of government, in which commoners were often given free gladiator and wild beast hunt games as entertainment. Tiberius hated these entertainments and ended them as soon as he became Emperor, preferring to use the money for emergencies and other faculties of good government. Guess what the people appreciated more?
Caligula
The looniest Caesar of them all, Caligula's despicable character and actions are well documented elsewhere, and Suetonius doesn't have to pad much here. This lunatic used to sleep with his wife and his three sisters at the same time, he declared himself a god in his own life time, and he made his horse a senator. This man was put into too much responsibility at too young of an age, and he paid for it with his life, being assassinated by his own guard at the age of twenty-two. Fortunately, his death also saves the Jewish nation from being exterminated.
Claudius Caesar
The imperial idiot. Although Suetonius writes him as a good Emperor, only manipulated by his women and freedmen, those who can see through the bullshit will see that Claudius was a very bloodthirsty person indeed. He was certainly not the easily manipulated fool he is portrayed as here. Interesting note: Claudius is the only Caesar whom Seutonius describes as having a "natural" sex life. (Unfortunately for the Emperor, his wife Messalina had a voracious sexual appetite and worked in the Roman brothels for fun. She later competes with local whores to see who can take the most cocks in one sitting.)
Nero
Like Caligula, Nero comes to the throne too early and is not ready to take on the responsibilities of his position. He is portrayed here as mostly homosexual, has sex with his own mother, has her killed later, has a friend of his castrated so he can make him his wife, and disregards his royal place to act in the theatre. This is the emperor famous for fiddling while Rome burned.
Galba,Otho, and Vitellius
They all claim to be Emperor of Rome in 69 A.D. They each take power that year and are all assassinated.
Vespasian, Titus, and Domition
The Flavian Dynasty. Father Vespasion prevails in 69 A.D. and becomes Emperor. He is the one who plans and builds The Colosseum. (He dies before it's completed.) His son Titus is next Emperor, and the Colosseum is finished. The celebration for the opening was never matched before in its' splendor, nor will be again. Unfortunately, Titus does not live long. Domition is the last of these first twelve Caesars. He gets a kick out of torturing flies. He also has many concubines, upon whom he likes to practice abortion, wielding the knife himself. His niece is one of these ladies, and he kills her in the practice.
After this, Seutonius leaves us Nerva. He claims this as the beginning of Rome's Golden Age, and he's right. Rome was at its' mightiest from the reigns of Nerva till the death of Marcus Aurelius. Commadus' reign signaled the downfall.
The Twelve Caesars is a good introduction to Roman history. It gives some basics into the personality of each Caesar and what his reign was like. Remember, this book is very graphic in places, so don't let children read it. Bill Clinton's cigar plunging adventures are mild in comparison.
This book is not hard to read, and if you find yourself immersed in Roman history, try The Complete Works of Tacitus afterwards. Become a serious student of Roman history, and watch your insight into the world and the people around you grow!
