1) When choosing bands to rip off—or “pay homage to,” as we like to say here at justaddwater—do your research carefully. Note how many Pearl Jam and Radiohead homage bands already exist. Don’t be one of them. Instead, choose a band that doesn’t have a current rabid following, but still never lost credibility. For example, old R.E.M. guitar riffs (circa the early 1980s) are a goldmine! Also, it’s okay to incorporate a little My Bloody Valentine into your sound. Everybody else has, and nobody’s been caught yet!

2) Make sure you use obtuse lyrics like “Gertrude Stein said that’s enough” and “If you’re not real, you’re postmodern.” That way, critics will feign acknowledgement of your “deeper meaning” in order to avoid looking sheepish. Joke’s on them! There is no deeper meaning! (By the way, feel free to use the lyrics provided above free of charge. You don’t even have to give justaddwater.com a songwriting credit—it’s all nonsense anyway!)

3) Polish your angst. All indie rock bands need their angst in order to connect with their target audience: the cigarette-smoking, tattooed hipsters wallowing in their own self-pity. Unfortunately, angst is something that cannot be faked, and it will give you your much-needed punk rock edginess. Angst is what separates the Belle and Sebastians from the Tortoises of the world. You may have to slap yourself around a little and drink some Vermouth to work yourself up, but make sure that the angst is not only included in your music, but really real.

4) In addition to your obtuse lyrics, have some pseudo-meaningful hooks that the kids can sing along with, in the style of Radiohead’s “Karma Police” when they sing “This is what you get when you mess with us.” Little maxims like that one are so ambiguous that your listeners will give them meaning—practically doing the work for you! Try this one: “You’ve had bad luck/ And I know what it feels like to have bad luck.” Remember to sound angsty on the choruses! Angst lends credibility.

5) Finally, get political. Critics and fans alike are suckers for a Cinderella story. Have trouble getting your album released! Be from a unique part of the world/country! (But try to avoid being from Iceland--they’re just getting too hip for their own good.) Become a raging alcoholic! Or, better yet, a raging egotist! Do whatever you can to detract attention away from your music—because, when it comes down to it, all music is interchangeable, anyway—and attract attention to the band as a marketable commodity. The kids’ll love you for it!